Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We need to get me chipped asap
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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