my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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