From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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