While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
