I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
