don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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