Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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