I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
