I am midnight drunk by noon
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
me + whiskey = a bad person
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
