Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
