I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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