This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
