he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
