I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
