The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
