oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I think your dad took our porno
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
