Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
