you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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