Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
