Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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