the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
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Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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