walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
