when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
