I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
