everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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