The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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