I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
how drunk are you?
Several
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
