Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
