The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You dont lie about slip and slides
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
