and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
