apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
