she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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