and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
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Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
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The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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