my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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