just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
