sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
