In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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