apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
