i jhust puked up my retainher.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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