yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
