I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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