even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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