Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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