First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
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I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
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I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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