Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
