you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
