Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
