Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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