I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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