i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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