I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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