I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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