Im at strip club and am horny
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
