dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
