it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
