if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
