The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
