i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
this hospital has no fireball
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
